Speak
Just over a week ago I attended a bloggers brunch here in Melbourne. It was the day before Blogopolis and there were a number of interstate bloggers there. After the guest speakers we milled around eating brunch and sampling the brands on offer. Chatting, catching up, meeting new people. At one point during the day Lori stood beside me and handed me a band. I looked at the purple band sealed safely in its ziplock bag and read its simple message. Speak. I popped it into one of my goody bags and continued on with the morning.
It was not until after the conference the next day that I looked at the band again. It was still in its ziplock bag. Speak, it said to me. I held it in my hand like a precious porcelain tea cup. I felt ridiculous being so careful with a piece of rubber. But the word on it was so important, so huge and I knew I needed to do it justice. At that stage I just wasn’t sure how. I held the band and thoughts rushed through my head.
I have known people who have committed suicide. I have been to that funeral. The one where family try hard to contain their sobs to some kind of dignified noise level. As if there is one. I have seen faces of family as they stand with an invisible barrier that no one crosses over, as if suicide is contagious. No one willing to be the first to say I’m sorry.
Death is not something people like to talk about. We say things like passed away, gone, no longer with us. Not dead. Dead seems so impolite a word. So hard and so final. Because it is.
I have watched people I love sink deep under the weight of depression. People, more than one. Male and female. Known they want to take their own lives. Friends I love. People I care about. People who from the outside may have looked like they had it all together. Its a scary, scary place to be I am told. And a calm place too. So very calm and so very scary. So very manic and so very violent. I have been that person who facebook messages, emails, texts and calls home lines leaving voice messages saying you need to call me. I need to know you are still here. I will keep calling until you answer. I love you.
I have felt the tightness of fear and panic at being too far away to get there and smash the door down even though it is what I want to do.
I put the band back in my suitcase. I wrote some notes, and went to sleep.
The next day I was home again. My son was chatting with me as I unpacked from the weekend. We began talking about exercise and I mentioned how good it can be for your mental health. Oh, like depression, he said. Yes I replied. My son looked me in the eyes and said, Mum, I don’t want to die. If I get depressed how do I make sure I don’t die?
In my hand was Lori’s band. Speak.
So, I talked to my son, told him he should speak if he ever felt that way. Speak to me, to his Dad, to who ever he felt comfortable with. That feeling that way was nothing to be ashamed of. That you can get help. That there are special doctors, and medicine that can help. That you can get better. That you can ask for help. That it is alright to say I’m not OK.
I told him that so many men kill themselves because they think it’s not alright to admit they are not OK. That it can be so hard to admit you are depressed. But that all you have to do is reach out to someone. Family, friend, teacher, doctor. Speak.
But that purple band, it means more than that. It is our shared responsibility to speak too. If we think someone is not OK, speak. Reach out. Phone them, email them. But don’t, what ever you do wait. Â At the very least you may feel a little embarrassed, you may on the other hand be the phone call that saves someones life.
Speak.
For immdiate help call LifeLine on 13 11 14 or the Suicide CallBack Service on 1300 659 467.
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I have tears in my eyes right now… from what you have shared about the discussion with your son…
It is true. One simple word. Speak, that is all anyone needs to really do. It is hard at times though as the one listening is often uncomfortable with the words being spoken.
Thanks for spreading the message.
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Naomi – that is truly, overwhelmingly special that you were able to have that conversation with your son.
I lost a close, male friend to suicide two months ago. I wish he could have had the same conversation with his mum all those years ago.
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Great writing N. I hope that band just hangs around the house and is noticed from time to time, just a casual and quiet reminder for us all that speaking is easy. NOthing about death is.
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I have tears rollingdownmy cheeks. thank you so much, Nomie. Even if you are the only person who ever has this conversation with their son, every word on my blog has been worth it. xoxox
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thank you so much. emailed you.
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Well written – you hit the nail on the head.
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beautiful and you’re right, all you have to do is speak.
~x~
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I agree with you totally men do find it hard to open up…Great note and good that you spoke to your son……
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Oh Naomi. This is possibly the most wonderful post I’ve ever read. You are a wondrous woman, a wonderful friend and fabulous Mum. That you do justice to Lori’s message is no small thing. We have a responsibility to speak. I have so much more I want to say but don’t know how right now. Love. Hugs. Thanks.
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This post brought tears to my eyes, sent shivers down my spine and gave me goosebumps all at once. Such a simple truth and yet it seems so hard for people to do. About 2 years ago my bf suffered a severe breakdown…he has not be able to work since and is still going through a lot of the hard stuff. And he’s a man’s man. But I am so so glad he finally sought the help that he needed because he was in a very dark place, one he was very close to not coming back from. And it is all thanks to a very special lady who was not afraid to speak, not afraid to risk a little awkwardness to make sure this amazing man found his way on the rocky path to recovery. I owe her so much and will be forever grateful that she spoke up.
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As a suicide survivor I salute you. Speaking about and speaking up will save lives.
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What a wonderful blog post. So fantastic you talked with your son about depression and finding help if ever needed. This is why I love you x
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Wow.
I have tears rolling down my cheeks. That is a very special post, and I am so glad you spoke with your son. I am so very afraid that people I love will one day give in their depression, you have reminded me to speak to them, to make sure that they know there are people here.
Thankyou x
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With tears in my eyes, thank you.
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YOU. ARE. MAGNIFICENT.
so honest.
so brave.
so thoughtful.
so caring.
so soul deep.
so special.
people who come into your life are ever so lucky.
i’m one of them. a lucky one.
your children & the children you teach are blessed.
truly.
xxxxx
don’t ever change.
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Beautifully written. Such a simple word but oh so important. Thank you.
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Bittersweet Naomi.
A very important word SPEAK my cousin committed suicide at 23yrs (22 yrs ago)- no- one had any idea he wasn’t OK – his mother had a history of Bipolar depression and she wouldn’t accept her diagnosis – let alone speak about it . Maybe he couldn’t either. I will always remember to Speak to my boys and my husband …. Thank you for the reminder.
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See everyone has said it already – but here I am as always adding my bit – because you are brave. Because you are right. And because I wish, I wish, I wish there were more people like you, more parents so open to the possibility that one day their child might need help, more people who made that call, wrote that email, just cared enough to ask and being on both sides (the one making the calls and then rushing interstate and the one needing them) I get it. And I know it is something that runs deep in our family and I am terrified – but I’m also lucky because I have been there so my small family does talk and talk and talk and I’m just hoping we can keep it up through the teenage angsty stage of “but psych stuff is just wrong” that I’ve just seen my cousin come out of to a new “I actually think I’m depressed and want help” – incoherent but essentially thank you.
Can just everyone who reads this talk to their son or daughter or cousin or sibling or parent or significant other – no matter how random or how distant you think the possibility may be and let them know they are there, just ever, in case? Just that will help I think, really,so much.
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Thank you Naomi for being his mother & thank you Lori for the band that said Speak
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This is simply, heartbreakingly beautiful. Your son is so lucky to have a mother like you and I will always remember this post when my own is old enough to know these emotions and understand the importance of speaking.
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I’m all teared up after reading that, Nomie. It was beautiful. True. Important.
I want one of those bands.
The more people do SPEAK about this, the more others will. Well done. xxx
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It is so true what you’ve said, to be in a place where you feel scary yet calm place. I’ve been through that, but thankfully did not act on what I wanted to do ages ago, when I was a teenager. I don’t know what changed, maybe circumstances, but I knew my problem was – yes, speaking or rather not speaking up. Not given the chance to speak up and share how I felt or what I felt. The worst was when I grew up and became a mum and then had depression -again. And yes, that scary and calm feeling came about again. For that fleeting moment. But this time I spoke. I spoke to someone about it and thank goodness I did. I know I’m going to have to share this with my kids one day and reassure them that they can speak to me, they’re not alone. Great piece there Naomi. xx
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Perfectly written. It’s amazing the little things that prompt us. A simple piece of plastic with one word was all it took.
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Naomi, I’m in tears here. That simple little band had a big impact on me, too – I wore it around for a few days and now it sits with my other jewellery, so when I go to put my watch on in the morning I see that word – SPEAK – and it’s a little reminder to speak. To help others, to help myself.
And I love your honesty with your son. You’re such a wonderful mum. xx
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This post is so poignant. I have tears. I have been following Lori for some time and I too have one of those precious purple bands.
The word :”Speak”, so powerful and yet so underrated. It is important that we all spread the word. It will save lives xxxxx
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Fantastic Naomi, thank you so much for making depression not such a dirty word. I have had it off and on over the years, but not a real deep depression. However enough to make me attempt suicide 3 times. Most people who meet me are shocked to hear that I suffer from it, like they expect you to be a certain type of person. I thank you for this beautiful sensitive piece of writing. To give permission for people to ‘speak’ and show their true feelings without shame, fear of rejection, and ostracisation. I believe that is half the reason that people don’t ‘speak’, because ‘depression’ is such a taboo topic for some and people need to put up a front, until they can longer keep it up.
No tears here, but sadness that your message has to be written at all. Well Done, and lots and lots of love to you xxx
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Those words came from the bottom of your soul. So well written and thought provoking.
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Wow, I don’t know what to say other than powerful. What an amazing conversation with your boy.
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I actually have goosebumps reading this. We lost two adult male family members to suicide within 12 months and it is truly devastating.
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A truly moving post, so powerful, honest and insightful. Thank you. x
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What an amazing gift you have given your son. Speaking is hard, but knowing you won’t be judged when you do makes it that little bit easier.
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Wonderful post, with stunning truth in it. Thank you so much for sharing it.
A few years ago our group lost a friend who disappeared for a while and whose family said he was in hospital for ‘a kidney problem’. They had their stuff to deal with and we weren’t privy to that. After he ‘got better’, he managed to take his own life within 6 months. We all found out when it was too late to let him know we cared. I still don’t know what I would do differently if we had our time over, but it often crosses my mind. As does the look he had on his face as he said goodbye to me the last time I saw him.
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Thank you for sharing…so simple, so perfect, so true! I am sharing this with my friends and family.
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I have major goosebumps. After having a friend take his life this year, it hits home. Thanks for sharing and reminding us of this important message. x
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So perfectly written, Naomi. I’m so glad you were able to have that important conversation with your son.
I have a SPEAK band coming. I plan to wear it, to remind me. To remind of of Tony and Lori and why I *can’t* give in to this.
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You absolutely did this word justice. Amazing xo
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Goosebumps.
You have done that purple band justice, Naomi. x
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Found out yesterday about the suicide of a coworker
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Today I have been helping a friend while she deal with her parent’s attempted suicide and now I am reading this. These beautiful scary important words. thank you
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Fantastic post. How refreshing to hear you calmly and delicately steer your boy, not away from the topic of depression, but through it.
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A great tribute to Lori’s message and a wonderful reminder to everyone.
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Thank you for speaking.
Thank you for being you.
I love you x
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What a beautiful & incredibly moving post.
I have tears pricking my eyes.
Your son is a very lucky boy & I hope that he remembers your conversation for ever. I’m sure he will. Thank you for sharing x
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[...] I am also so very grateful for all the comments, tweets, re-tweets, facebook shares and emails about this post. Thank you to all of you for you honesty and willingness to [...]
I received mine in the mail this morning. It was the perfect opportunity for the first age-appropriate discussion with my son about mental illness, depression and suicide. Thank you Naomi for the post, and Lori for the band.
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What a beautifully written piece. And what a beautiful relationship you have with your son. The message is so true. Speak. Thank you Naomi and thank you Lori. xxx
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Perfectly said Nay, reading this brought a tear to my eye…how close is it to home that particularly men do not speak up. I think we all know someone who has suffered depression & many unfortunately know the pain of a family member having taken their own life….speak indeed.
Love reading your blog…you are truly gifted with words xxx
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Beautifully written, and such an important message xx
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This is an incredibly beautiful, eloquent post. Thank-you for writing it. As someone who was once suicidal, and who has had many suicidal friends, it is so good to hear someone speaking about this, and encouraging others to speak about it.
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Beautiful and poignant post. I’m slowly coming out the other side of a heavy bout of depression… yesterday was a down day. Today, not so much. I’m so glad I’ve used my voice to help my journey through… without it, I’m not sure where I’d be today.
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This prompted me to have the same discussion with one of my colleagues that suffers from chronic depression about suicide and Lori’s story.
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