Piqued
Piqued:
A state of vexation caused by a perceived slight or indignity; a feeling of wounded pride.tr.v. piqued, piqu·ing, piques
1. To cause to feel resentment or indignation.
2. To provoke; arouse: The portrait piqued her curiosity.
3. To pride (oneself): He piqued himself on his stylish attire.
He prided himself on the way he dressed. This was how it was, had always been. Clothes, shoes, a silk tie. Hair stylishly peppered with grey. As he had grown older he felt his stake in the way he looked had grown. He felt eyes on him as he walked through the city streets. When he entered a room he knew he had just the right amount of aftershave, the right cut of a suit, and the height to carry it all off well.
He enjoyed the curiosity he afforded as he walked into the cafe and ordered a macchiato, the glances and small smile from the young girl who took his order. He sat at an empty table glancing through a broadsheet as he waited for the coffee. He could sense people looking his way, and heard a twitter and stifled giggle from two women nearby with prams and children.
As the young girl walked towards him with his coffee he saw she had a coy smile. He couldn’t believe his luck when she bent in close to his face as she placed the hot glass on the table. Â He felt her breath as she leant in to say something in his ear. She breathed in, ready to whisper, he swallowed hard. Just thought you’d like to know, your flys undone.
With that she turned and walked back behind the counter. He sat for a moment, smile plastered to his face, gulped his too hot coffee, burnt his tongue, and with one swift movement, stood, walked out the door and zipped his fly.
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Very clever Naomi – I am so impressed with the way that you could set the scene, create a character, build such terrific tension and then resolve the story with a twist with such expedient use of words – brilliant writing!
xx Felicity
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Naomi Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 1:50 pm
Thanks. I must say I really enjoyed writing this!
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I LOVE this! The way you describe it I can see it all in my mind…I was about to start crushing on the silver fox until that twist at the end
GREAT ending!
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Naomi Reply:
August 18th, 2011 at 12:00 am
Thanks. I think he was crushing on himself too!
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I glanced at your blog on the way to going to the (free, it’s free!!) bathroom for a shower… but I couldn’t stop reading this post. Well worth the possibility of losing my bathroom time, I say.
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Naomi Reply:
August 18th, 2011 at 12:01 am
Well I hope you still got your shower too.
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Too funny! You have the knack of creating a very visual scene. I felt I was watching a film.
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Naomi Reply:
August 18th, 2011 at 12:03 am
Wow, thanks! I love people watching, always have & making up scenarios in my head. Perhaps that’s where this came from.
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This was great Naomi. I was in love with this guy at the start. He sounded so handsome. I even felt a little sexual tension between him and the waitress but just loved the ending. Really great.
Anne xx
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Naomi Reply:
August 18th, 2011 at 12:04 am
Thanks Anne, I really had fun writing this. I had no idea where it wad going, but I like the ending too!
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Fantastic! Very clever and wonderfully written. I wasn’t expecting the twist, but how I laughed when I read it. Brilliant and cheeky.
I’m pleased you enjoyed writing this, I think you can tell you as a reader that you were having fun with the words…
Like you, I am writing a different chacracter/story each week. Whatever comes is whatever comes for me at this stage. Pleased that this is working for you too
Gill x
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Naomi Reply:
August 18th, 2011 at 12:07 am
Is it wrong to admit I’ve been giggling to myself about it all day? Got me home after a very late work meeting. I’m glad you’re enjoying the different characters & stories as you write each week. I’m enjoying seeing where the words take me each week.
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It think it could be an advertisment.. coffee maybe .. have a cup of “wake up to yourself”?
Loved it…
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Naomi Reply:
August 18th, 2011 at 9:32 am
Great idea! Perhaps I could send an email to George Clooney to see if he’d be interested!
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You have an amazing ability to set the scene. I was so into this that when I read the twist I choked on my coffee. My nose hairs are gone but that was hysterically worth it! Thank you!
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Naomi Reply:
August 18th, 2011 at 9:33 am
Sorry about the nose hairs! Glad you liked it, thanks.
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Loved the twist at the end. You provided an excellent character and scene. Well done!
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Naomi Reply:
August 18th, 2011 at 9:34 am
Thanks, was fun to do!
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Brilliant! Loved it – almost spat coffee all over my keyboard! I love you descriptions!
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Ah, this was sooooo good! Clever, hon. I love your writing. You had me SO curious as to what the waitress was about to whisper.
xxx
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Jodie Ansted Reply:
August 18th, 2011 at 10:21 am
Oh, and I forgot to say….we both had coffee cups for our pics for this week’s WoW!
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That was brilliant. I am still chortling away to myself here. Serves him right for thinking so highly of himself!
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Hahaha… great job.
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Hi Naomi!
This made me laugh hard! One thing I am having difficulty with writing, is humor. I just don’t know how to do THAT..lols
Very nice work!
Andy
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Great piece! The twist at the end was very clever and unbelievably funny
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I really enjoyed this. I was sucked in with him! Very well written.
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Very clever. I love the twist at the end
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