Fatties and happiness
The following post was written by my sister Toni. She posted it this week on facebook and I asked her if she’d like it posted on my blog. She (clearly) said yes. Toni is an artist and a high school art teacher. She lives in Hobart with her husband and daughter. I love her and miss her every day. I am also incredibly proud of her for many things, one of which is her writing this.
What is happiness, and who are we to demand it of each other? I believe happiness is overrated. I am content, and every now and then, downright delirious. But happy? Such a simplistic word, such an unattainably polite state of being. Ask a friend, ask a coworker, “are you happy?” the socially correct answer is yes. Ask, are you valued? Are you satisfied? Are you content? Such loaded questions, from a society that still answers, “fine, thanks”, when absentmindedly asked “how are you” by the receptionists at the doctors office where we’ve made an appointment because we feel like crap.
So my point, and I may even have one, is this; why do we have to learn about how to be happy? And who decides what contributes to happiness?
Here’s the backstory; this afternoon at work, all staff attended a presentation on workplace happiness. Ok, so the presenter discussed natural optimists, and I am well acquainted with my inner Polly-Anna (antiquated literary reference to a fictional character known for extreme and somewhat obtuse optimism). I’m an optimist. But I’m a sceptic too. And I’m guilty of sitting back in my chair and mentally addressing the presenter with, “yeah, you wanna discuss workplace happiness, well go ahead lady, make me laugh”. So, I’m not the easiest of audience members. Never said I was.
The presenter was very nice, and this is not a criticism of what she had to say, more a criticism of the program. And this was only the first session, so I may stand corrected later on, and I hope I do! That is my declaimer.
Our first task; all staff pick a card with questions about mental health. This was a presentation on workplace mental health and happiness. We then asked each other our picked question, then moved to another person, another question. The card I picked dealt with numerical facts, a personal hell. This hell deepened as each person I went to somehow had the same question on their card, asking what percentage of public service workers in Tasmania are obese. The answer is apparently 52%.
I had to ask myself, if this was a prearranged intervention! And yes, I get it. Mental health and physical health are related. But in a work situation, I started to feel embarrassed, excluded, uncomfortable. Now, if you don’t know me well, know this; I’m fat, and happily so. I have greater things to worry about. I’m not against losing weight, but it is against me. Ironically, I lose weight when clinically depressed. I am healthy, have no health issues related to weight, and really rather love my self and consider my physical self esteem issues on par with my friends who overwhelming weigh in at size 12 and under. So, I said to myself, toughen up! It’s not personal! It’s a silly question on a card!
Next task, we all came together to share what new facts we had learnt when picking up the cards. One of my colleagues said this, “I didn’t know there were so many fatties in Tasmanian public service, 52%!”. There was a tittering, a giggling, a self defeatist laughter at the many gym memberships. At the table I sat at, there was awkward silence as if an elephant had sat down and demanded a voice. I’m so ashamed that I said nothing.
The presenter said it was an interesting point and she would go into detail later on. She didn’t, perhaps she will in later presentations. I hope so, because maybe I’ll then be brave enough to speak. I’m sure she will speak about the connections to mental health, physical health, and happiness. But I have a bone to pick, and I’m not one to leave meat on a bone.
Imagine my colleague said this, “I didn’t know there were so many faggots in Tasmanian public service”. Replace one word. So, we can comfortably talk about “fatties”, but would we stand for homosexuals to be discussed in this derogative manner? I wouldn’t. But you might. Ok then, try this one. Darkies. Replace the word fatties, with darkies. I didn’t know there were so many darkies in Tasmanian public service. Try Jews. Try retards. Try split-tails. Try any derogative term you know, that describes a type of person. Are you uncomfortable yet? You should be. You should have a feeling a fraction of the level of uncomfortableness I felt in that room. And being me, in my head I had to joke; oh dear god, I’m the elephant in the room!
Am I happy? That’s in dispute at this point.
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I bristled when I read that. I am fat. I know that but it’s my concern. That meeting was a workshop disguised as a fattist agenda . I am both embarrassed on your sisters ( & others behalf) and aggrieved that people still think being overweight is a simplistic thing.
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Actually I didn’t know there is 48% “thinnies” in the public service Toni. What an insensitive program … if it doesn’t get better, get complaining. Actually what I am really thinking is Bitch Bitch Bitch! Love from another well upholstered & happy person.
PS post this blog to your school website comments & all! I am REALLY cross
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Oh. My. God. This is the most disgusting display of workplace bullying. For starters, I hate the word “fatties” I know a lot of “overweight” people comfortably refer to themselves as fatties and good for them, but not I. I think it’s a disgusting word. I find it offensive and unkind.
I have been overweight all my life. There have been times where, if willing to starve myself, I can scrape into the “overweight” category, instead of “obese”. Now, for medical reasons, I cannot. No matter how hard I tried.
If the employer wants to have a health conversation, then a health conversation should be had. But to thinly disguise it as a happiness seminar is disgusting. Vile, abusive and disgusting.
I am probably the happiest person I know. I am happy because my life is full of things of substance. I am happy because I am dedicated to the service of others. People who spend their lives obsessed with the scales and mirror are NOT happy.
I would personally make a complaint to the employer if I was in your sister’s shoes but the likelihood of her complaint being taken seriously is minimal because “fat people” are not taken seriously.
I have steam coming out my ears.
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Granny MAT Reply:
March 22nd, 2012 at 2:14 pm
Can’t agree more Cait, I’m still steaming hours later. The only positive is that this public service “workplace happiness” program is in the process of embarrassing & pissing off 52% of their staff! Wonder if they have thought about that!
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Being a Tasmanian public servant myself, I can’t wait for the second installment of Toni’s story to see if there is any improvement in the program or if it rapidly progresses at a downward pace.
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Happy? I would say “happiness”, for me, is the emotion that comes and goes. Sometimes it’s fleeting – it will last a moment, or perhaps a few minutes, maybe an hour or for the duration of a movie watched with a friend – and sometimes it’s not felt for days on end. Weeks, even.
I wouldn’t like to think being “happy” is any measure of one’s contentment or satisfaction with any aspect of their life (work, personal, health or otherwise) because, frankly, the notion seems quite insane. Doesn’t it? Or is that just me? Even an optimist – which I naturally am – can go a loooong time without feeling happy. Also, I really hope you are not honestly still ashamed at saying nothing at that point in the meeting. Disappointed you missed the opportunity, maybe. But ashamed? Please don’t be!
I cannot stand these crock-of-shite workplace initiatives. They’re all as bad as each other. Sorry! I’ve heard too many stories just like yours, Toni, where people are guilted into playing along acting out the animal they’d be (if they were an animal) and other such team building exercises. Ugh. I could go on and on! …. So I won’t.
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People who read Nay’s blog know what an amazing sister I have, well, I have two amazing sisters. Eloquent, intelligent, strong minded and openly honest women. And I know that this will be handled beautifully, for if ever in doubt we ask, what would mum do? She is the queen of calm, polite composure whilst defending in no uncertain terms what is right, and making damn sure she is heard and understood (with a smile and slighty longer than normal blink of the eyes)!
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Bestpam Reply:
March 22nd, 2012 at 9:37 pm
amen x
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I can only imagine how you must have felt, because just reading this made me squirm. This is not on and I’m so sorry you had to experience it.
Glowless recently posted..How to make a kid’s kitchen out of cardboard boxes
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Oooooh I am so impressed that you didn’t leap to your feet and demand an apology. But then, you were pretty much voiceless in a room that considered ‘fattie’ an okay term to bandy around. Fat or not, I would have said something. It’s just not okay the way it’s still considered fine to treat overweight people as somehow ‘lesser’. The thing that bugs me the most is that encounters like this one suggest that people really do think that fatter people are not content people. That’s just not true at all.
I am so sick and tired of being judged by people who know nothing about anything. x
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I am so sick of people thinking it is ok to attack people who are overweight. How dare they? It is an awful turn of events which will change as it has with other groups. It is not right to attack or label anyone for any reason. You sound like a wonderful person. And if you’re Naomi’s sister I’d imagine you definitely are. don’t let that sort of behaviour get under your skin. xx
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last time i checked, my happiness was not related to the size of my girth, which is of a decent size! last time i checked, my mental health wasn’t related to the size of my girth either!! i hate how the medical profession tries to link EVERYTHING back to how much a person weighs. “oh you have x,y or z wrong with you? it must be because of your weight!” PLEASE!!
i hate how most of society deem it fine to “pick on” or “judge” “fat” people. for the record, i detest the word fat, not sure why, call me overweight, even call me obese but do not call me fat. fat implies laziness and yes i may be overweight but i am not lazy.
i would have read the riot act to the presenter and i would have put in their place, 1. the colleague who thought it fine to make the first comment and 2. all my other colleagues who thought it fine to laugh at the comment – it’s just not on and if people aren’t told that it’s not fine to make these judgements, these comments, then they are going to keep on doing it. we need to speak about, need to voice our concerns.
your sister is right, if that word fattie was replaced with homosexual, or coloured, or jewish – imagine the riot that would ensue – so it’s not fine to judge someone on their sexual preference, colour of their skin or religious beliefs but it’s fine to judge someone on their weight? um no.
brilliant post – thanks for sharing!
~x~
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totally unacceptable. This is an ENDORSED public servant course?
I am flabbergasted. I am sad that it is up to you to do it, that your colleagues didn’t find it offensive (and surely there were others that would be considered obese even if they don’t believe it) enough to put in a formal complaint but it needs to be done.
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Kirrily Reply:
March 22nd, 2012 at 6:02 pm
Agree. With everything you said, Kelley.
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I am speechless. Totally. That is abhorrent.
As your gorgeous sister will attend, I too am on the larger side. I have lost a lot of weight, but I am still fat. My mental health has improved a lot as a result of exercise. My mental health is largely fucked, though, in relation to body image and comfort eating; and I see no cure on the horizon for that, aside from, again, exercise, for mental well being.
I could go on and on and on. But essentially I am so so sorry that you were in a room where this was accepted as Ok.
Yesterday was Harmony Day, which I gather is about total acceptance of all.
What you decribe is the antithisis of this – bullying at its most passive. Revolting.
xx
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Strong, brave, intelligent writing.
I’m pretty horrified right now about what is considered appropriate in the world of educators who are clearly in the business of shaping new minds. It starts up here. It starts with the teachers and even higher at a level where senior staff are so clueless that they are so blind to the feelings, emotions and lifestyles of their staff that they would allow such things to take place.
As is so eloquently and thought provokingly pointed out here, what if this session had seen the rise of anti-gay heckling when a gay member of staff was present? Or if a racist slur had emerged as Asian, African American or Australian aboriginal colleagues sat in? Where is the duty of care? Where is the team respect and understanding? Where the *?!#! Is the common sense?
No wonder we are not the “happiest” bunch of professionals on the planet.
Oh and btw a little birdie tells me that this writer celebrates 15 years of love with her hubby today. That is living. That is contentment. That is happiness.
Bravo x
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This is amazing, I have always worked in corporate environments and can not imagine anyone ever saying something like this…certainly not in a group setting.
Odd that the group presenter did not seem to take the opportunity to indicate nicer ways of speaking and super odd that weight related issues were discussed as a group when working on happiness.
I would simply not attend the next sessions. Waste of your time.
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Whatever happened to Personal Development sessions that inspire us and move us forward? What could that presenter be thinking? ( See me shaking my fists at the computer screen) This connection between body weight and happiness is so deeply entrenched, isn’t it? In reality, there seems to be a stronger connection between emotional intelligence and happiness. But that concept would be lost on her.
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hello everyone, you are all too sweet. For the record, I notified one of the head boss type peoples and left it with her to sort out. The colleague who made the comment is a nice bloke, but rather forgetful of professional dialogue in professional spaces. I hold no grudge, and really am loathe to be cast as “that fat bitch!”. That said, I am very happy to be both fat, and bitchy. So I can’t win there!
I am hurt mostly by my own reaction. Unlike some of we larger women, I was not a big kid. My weight came on with developing maturity and for a variety of reasons, but those of you who have met Naomi and know both my wonderful sisters… well, I come from a small family, and we ate the same and exercised the same as kids, we were an outdoorsy wholemeal-veggie-pie kinda hippy-food family, all wholesome and ridiculously good looking! I just happen to take after my mothers maternal side, built for breast feeding and scones. I was never bullied for weight, as I gained with maturity I missed out on being labeled fat at school. But, I was labeled; freak, ugly, smart arse, nerd, odd, metal mouth, and for reasons I’ll never know, I was alone a lot until high school. I was never bullied for long as I developed a quick comeback and a good right hook. But I grew up, blossomed, as one might say in a Judy Bloom kinda way (if you didn’t read Judy Bloom novels in the 80’s then you are just too young!). I got great tits…. and since they appeared I have had wonderful power over men and women alike. Gay, straight, male, female, undecided; everyone loves a big boob to snuggle up to in a comforting or stirring way. So I’m glad I am big. I am stupidly in love with my bosom. The thought of the girls getting smaller makes me all sad and weepy (although after having breast fed, I’d be happy if they moved back up where they used to be!). Why am I going on about my awesome rack? Bear with me, I may have a point.
I have little issue with my size. I do not consider myself particularly size sensitive. I have no big reason to be (pun intended). So in the situation at work, if any other derogative term was used, I would have spoken up. I would not be so quiet had the comment, had the presentation, been racist, sexist, homophobic. I’d have made a quiet, polite and firm point of reminding people we were professionals.
So I’m very annoyed to find myself so easily cowed by the word, “fatty”. I’m very annoyed that I allowed myself to so easy become ten year old me; paranoid that every slur was aimed my way, every rebuke deserved. So, grown up me has taken charge, brushed herself off, passed on feedback to the appropriate sources and had a personal touch with an old wisdom; when we do not speak out against any injustice, big or small, we are culpable. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. I’ll eventually get this growing-up thing right, and learn to stand up for myself as well as others. I’m only human, and the human bits are the best.
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Bestpam Reply:
March 24th, 2012 at 12:37 pm
bravo again! Good for you. Dignified and sincere.
And yes, as you well know, the Judy Blume phenomenon was well within my maturation years.
And yes I want to give you a great big squeezy hug – oh and the fabulous tits I may just choose to lay my head on are an added bonus x
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Granny MAT Reply:
March 24th, 2012 at 5:21 pm
I agree wholeheartedly BestPam!
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I have to admit, I’m developing quite a “family crush” on you people! You all speak/write with such passion and a very healthy dose of humour – right up my alley! I derive much pleasure from reading your posts, comments, status updates and of course Instagram pics (Naomi!)Every last one of you is inspirational, well-informed and down to earth. I am so very grateful that thru Naomi, I get to sneak a peek into such an awesome group of people,living fabulous yet “normal” lives. Thank you
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Yet another talented writer in the family, I see.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. It’s unacceptable. You would know, because you were there, but I did wonder if the laughter was that kind of nervous/inappropriate laughter rather than ‘ha ha that’s funny’ kind of laughter? Not that that makes it acceptable, but I do know that sometimes laughter is a reaction to hearing something shocking/inappopriate.
I’m no fan of any derogatory terms for weight. As someone who grew up thin (and hated it), I REALLY hated people calling me ‘skinny’. A friend argued with me once it’s nothing compared to being called ‘fat’, but I assured her to a thin person it is. When a work colleague once screwed up her face at me and said, ‘God, you look so SKINNY in that,’ I can tell you I didn’t take it as a compliment, and I wondered if she’d have made the same comment to someone overweight replacing ‘skinny’ for ‘fat’. I’m sure she wouldn’t.
The more people write about this, the more people will learn. That’s for allowing Nomie to post it.
xox
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