Brag a little, love a lot.
My children are growing up. Seems obvious really, it is what they do. But lately it has been at an alarmingly quick rate. The Blue Eyed Boy is in his last year of primary school. In him now I see glimpses of the man he will become. Facial expressions, thinking patterns, the way he walks and talks.
While I like to think I am not all that sentimental, I really want to bottle this moment, this age. He is independent, has self reliance, thinks of others. Â He still seeks out my company and that of Hubby. He has maturity, perception and a good dose of empathy.
Only a year back I remember thinking perhaps he would never grow out of the silly phase. Friends with older children assured me he would. He did.
Hubby and I are entering a new part of parenting. We have no babies, toddlers, not even any children in early childhood. We have independence, theirs and ours. I get a buzz from watching him do things on his own, where he takes the lead and we follow. Like taking his grandparents from Etihad Stadium, through Southern Cross Station and on to a tram back to their hotel while we collected the car and drove. Or the confident way he navigates the MCG, the airport, or how he ran ahead of Hubby and The Green Eyed Girl at the Mother’s Day Classic alone, then waited for them to cross the finish line. The way he then said how next year could he please run with me. The self assured way he orders in cafes and restaurants. How he gets out of the car at school with a hasty goodbye and doesn’t look back – no need he’s secure in his surroundings and knows I love him without having to call after him from the car.
It’s a very different stage from baby and toddlerhood – when people would smile down at the Blue Eyed Boy, comment on lovely golden curls, huge blue eyes, creamy skin, or admire his idiosyncratic ways. We are no longer the seen parents – the ones with lovely little people, pushing prams, wrangling tears and tantrums (of which there were plenty.) We are the parents of older children -the ones that are not so seen -the ones whose children pass by without comment or smiles from strangers affirming how lovely they are. On one hand it’s nice, because with this less visible stage of parenting comes less unsolicited advice, thankfully. But on the other hand, I am immensely proud of the way my children are turning out and it can be hard to show that when people pass by and see nothing but a parent and their tween children. (I hate the term tween, but was lost for an alternate word.) Because it’s not all bad, it’s not all door slamming and eye rolling from the kids or me. There is conversation about ethics, history, politics, movies, books. There is space and time apart, good for him, good for us.
I know the teen years lay ahead with all their moodiness and pulling away. I know too though that he will return again when all is said and done. He is my son, so I can brag a little, love a lot.
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You seem so comfortable with this. My baby starts school next year. There are no more toddlers or babies coming up behind him. This is the last “first day of school” I will ever see. It breaks my heart. In a few days my second eldest will turn 18, he will finish high school this year and every year for the next three years another of my children will follow him. This breaks my heart. I love seeing how my children have grown and I love the txt messages from my now 20yo saying “you were right mum, thank you for how you raised me” but 20 years of parenting is slowly walking out on me and I’m not entirely ready for it to go.
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Naomi Reply:
May 24th, 2011 at 12:53 pm
I have only been parenting for 12 years Cate, and I have a long way to go! I think for me part of it is that I am really loving this age as a parent, perhaps it suits me more than the early years did? I am sure there will be moments of tears from me (like there were when I heard the principal speak at what will be my son’s high school next year) and it hit me… this is it… he really is going… where has my baby boy gone? But I think I am ready… mostly anyway!
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Granny MAT Reply:
May 24th, 2011 at 3:13 pm
Don’t worry girls, the parenting never goes away & then you have to joy of your grandchildren too. BTW Nay’s children are simply the best …yes I’m prejudice being one of their Grandmothers
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Thank you for your sweet post.
It’s lovely to read something positive and genuine about sharinbg your home and life with older children.
‘Tweens’ and teens get such a bad rap – and often from their own parents.
You have given me lots to look forward to.
What an interesting point about your parenting being less visible – and openly praised.
But your hard work will come back a hundred fold in the gorgeous young man you describe.
Shar
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Naomi Reply:
May 24th, 2011 at 12:55 pm
Thanks Shar, I know it will, it is… every day. But your’e right, teens get such bad press – they are still kids, still learning, their brains still developing… I think society needs to look beyond the bluster and bravado a little more.
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See in so many ways I’m looking forward to it by I am terrified by it – by girl is in such a different place from your boy – she is still so untrusting of the world. I want to make that better – I just don’t know how. And I fear for her in teen hood – because I remember mine so well. I wish I could feel she was growing up, instead of growing less somehow lately – its a hard time with her this eleventh year – way more challanging than two for sure.
It is so good to read about boys like yours because it means there will be boys like that for my girl in how ever many years time (should she be that way inclined) boys who are good and kind and decent people with Mums who care. You are great N
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Naomi Reply:
May 24th, 2011 at 12:58 pm
Eleven and twelve are so different… I know it’s hard to believe, but friends with children who are now twelve say how much their child grew, matured in that year. I am now seeing that myself. Last year I wondered if it would ever happen. To me there seems quite a difference between 11 and 12.
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Naomi Reply:
May 24th, 2011 at 12:58 pm
Oh, I meant to say April also, so hang in there xxx
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It is so lovely to read this. I have many anecdotes around me from various social places that indicate it is a time to be wary of, a “just you wait til she starts high school” yada-yada time. I don’t buy it. I believe it is surely what you make of it. And if you make a fight of it, you’ll probably get a fight! I adore this post. Thank you for being a voice of resilience, reason and love.
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Naomi Reply:
May 24th, 2011 at 1:02 pm
Thanks Kirrily, I agree, make a fight, you’ll get one. I also think if you expect one, you’ll get one. I’m not saying there won’t be, or that there are not fights here, that would be an out and out lie. But as you say, it’s what you make of it, how you deal with the tricky situations, how you react – or don’t react. And it’s about love for sure.
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Just beautiful. You sound as proud as you should be! I look forward to all the years ahead that I have to follow with Miss A. To be honest, the only thing that bothers me about her getting older will be the fact that I am too. So lovely to read about happy loving families. Thanks for sharing. xx
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Naomi Reply:
May 24th, 2011 at 1:22 pm
Oh the getting old thing bothers me a little, but there is nothing I can do about it… I’ll just have to revel in the glow of youth my kids have!
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Ahhhh. I love this. All that work, all the tantrums, all the stress and lack of sleep and fretting – all that you did back then, as parents, now is rewarded to you in these confident charming young people.
You inspire me Nay, as always. xxx
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Naomi Reply:
May 24th, 2011 at 1:23 pm
Thanks Lucy xxx
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We must have been sharing a brain this week. I have had a blog going about in my head for the last couple of days, about how much I am enjoying this pre-teen caper. My daughter will be 13 next week, in her first year of high school. I used to get a lot of “wait until she’s a teenager” warnings when she was a particularly stubborn toddler and little girl. But you know what? She’s a delight! Yeah we butt heads occasionally, but we always have. She’s bright and funny and I’m getting a sense of the adult she will be, and it aint half bad. I am also loving that I get to be “me” a lot more. I don’t have to adjust who I am to cater for a little one – be it quick showers or hurried breakfasts, not having to censor my words so much, having a wider selection of movies that we can go to, sharing favourite books.
I love what you say about being more invisible now. It’s so true. And it is nice to be the family that is sitting quietly in a restaurant enjoying eachother’s company, and the independence is slowly coming back, but yeah, you do miss the ‘fussing’ that goes with having cute little ones.
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Naomi Reply:
May 24th, 2011 at 1:39 pm
The getting to be “me” more is so, so true! I love getting a sense of the adult they will be, it fills me with joy.
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You explained my feelings so well! My eldest is 12 and in her first year of high school. She is so lovely and independent and confident and funny and caring and chatty … and I hope the teenage years are kind to both of us.
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Naomi Reply:
May 24th, 2011 at 2:13 pm
I love the chattiness too!
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I can only hope that I will be able to turn out two boys as gorgeous as your boy is and is becoming. Still doing the unsolicited advice stage over here but we will get there I know. Love to you and I’m with Lucy, inspiring and I wish we lived closer xxx
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Naomi Reply:
May 24th, 2011 at 2:15 pm
You will get there, you will. As for living closer… me too x
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Beautiful post Naomi, we are heading into this phase of parenting too TC was 12 in April and as she gets ready to head to high school the change in her confidence and demeanor is a gorgeous thing to watch. I had dinner with a school mum & her daughter the other night & we were commenting on how they have suddenly become really good company.
Whilst there is the woeful distractability, her constant eye rolling and the horrendous state of her room to deal with I can look forward to getting to know this new young person and watch her accept responsibilities and revell in new freedoms.
Sorry I think I rambled
xxpt
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Naomi Reply:
May 24th, 2011 at 2:18 pm
Ramble away! It’s so lovely to read all these comments about our gorgeous 12 year olds!
There is always eye rolling and frustrations, but the change in their confidence and demeanor, as you say, is so nice to watch.
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Granny MAT Reply:
May 24th, 2011 at 3:19 pm
Shut the door on her room pt, that’s what I did with Nay’s hubby at same age, it stops some of the stress & fights. He did emerge about six months/weeks later with very gray sheets & everthing piled on his bed so the cleaning lady could clean about 2 sq feet of the floor. Don’t ask about the cess pit called his wardrobe, it was a couple more years before I could face that task!!
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pt Reply:
May 25th, 2011 at 9:53 am
thanks for the tips! I love a closed door policy & it seems to be a pandemic amongst her friends so at least we are not suffering alone
xxpt
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The door slamming will come. And go. And come again. And go again. And sometimes it will be you slamming the doors.
Teen years can be tough but rewarding and I have three words I have always gone back to…. “pick your battles.”
I figure since mine are 18 and 16 now and really giving me no trouble at all (I know, there’s still time) I must have done a few things right.
Go ahead and brag. I’ll join you.
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Naomi Reply:
May 24th, 2011 at 2:21 pm
Cate, the door slamming has been here, and left, and come back already! I have been told I HATE YOU! too many times to count. But you’re right, picking your battles is so important… I must remember I am the grown up… and sometimes that means backing away… and (no doubt) pouring a glass of wine!
More bragging for all of us I say!
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Granny MAT Reply:
May 25th, 2011 at 10:42 am
Well there was door slamming in our house last week & very loud shouting …. we don’t even have children at home anymore …. but I do have a 91yr old mother who still gets me going & hubby suffers!
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Hi Naomi
Just got my 17 month old finally down to sleep, we have had a bit of strange day with him waing at 4.22am. My day is consumed by will he eat, will he sleep, can I manage to get to the shops, and resign myself to having coffee at home rather that a cafe. Being an older Mum I would have to admit I’m loving it as it has finally happened but then there defintely has been a lot to adjust to.
So nice to read about the otherside. I so look forward to this time too. I know it is there but you get a bit lost in the chaos.
You write so well.
xx jill
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Naomi Reply:
May 24th, 2011 at 3:05 pm
There is a lot to adjust to, and it takes time, but they are so worth it… most days!
The chaos can be consuming, but then they smile, or hold your hand… or you see them sleeping and all is forgiven.
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So very gorgeous Naomi. You can brag all you want. You children sound absolutely divine. What an amazing time to be entering of independence and glimpses of adulthood. We are so far off that, but I am sure in a blink of an eye we will be there too. What a great job you guys are doing xx
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Naomi Reply:
May 24th, 2011 at 6:27 pm
It is a blink of an eye, and not fast enough all at once. Like all parenthood I guess. x
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After the comment I left on MamaMia’s porn post today I needed to read this! Beautiful. I am so with you, in all ways- my son is also in his last year of primary school, and this boy-man stage is just gorgeous. I am still his mum, we still talk and cuddle- but he’s starting to look and act like a teenager too. All that work we put in in the toddler years is paying off, is shining through… now I just hope to enjoy him for a bit before I lose him to adulthood.
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Naomi Reply:
May 24th, 2011 at 6:25 pm
It’s the cusp of something altogether new isn’t it.
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I hadn’t thought about my kids getting to that age before this post and now I’m wondering how my kids will turn out.
Kids with independence? That happens?
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Naomi Reply:
May 24th, 2011 at 6:22 pm
It sure does. Think shopping, alone… having someone other than you taking out the recycling & rubbish… think amazing conversations.
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Simply beautiful writing. Beyond all the mummy stuff, this is so beyond all that. Written with the integrity of love. That’s the first thing I want you to know.
And the second thing I want to say is about the mummy stuff, that it’s wonderful to celebrate in this odd forgotten age of parenting, where we are gently eclipsed by our growing stars. Thanks. x
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Naomi Reply:
May 25th, 2011 at 6:39 pm
Toni, I have carried your last sentence in my head and heart all day. Thank you xxx
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This post gives me hope. I too cherish the things my boys can do independently and roll my eyes at the silliness and the fighting and the clinging. I sometimes joke that I can’t wait for them to leave home, but it’s only half a joke – I think the real rewards of parenting come as your children leave home and make their own way in the world and you can finally see what you’ve done….
Having said that, my boys are only 5 and 8, so I still have a long way to go….
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Naomi Reply:
May 25th, 2011 at 6:44 pm
You’re right Dorothy in what you say about the rewards of parenting – I know I still have a long way to go too, and there is still sibling bickering, arguments, yelling… that doesn’t go away ever as far as I can tell!
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Thank you for this post Nay. It fills me with love for you all and makes me even more keen to see and your boy very soon.
You know how much I love your children and I thank you for years of inspiration and reassurance.
At a time when more than ever my boys wellbeing is on my mind, you give me hope that everything will be ok.
You are an amazing and inspiring mum and your kids are truly blessed x
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Naomi Reply:
May 25th, 2011 at 6:45 pm
Everything will be okay. xxx
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You sound really content. A nice place to be.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
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Naomi Reply:
May 25th, 2011 at 6:47 pm
Thanks, I am. We are.
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Just beautiful. That is all.
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Naomi Reply:
May 25th, 2011 at 6:37 pm
Thanks Thea xxx
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This post is beautiful and sweet. And makes me sad at the same time. This is all going so fast, and the thought of my boys being tweens and then teens (they are 8 and 3) makes my stomach drop and my breath catch. I’m proud of them, and I believe I will be proud of the men they become. But this train is moving so fast and I can’t slow it down.
How do you get so calm and accepting of that? Or am I just wierd? Part of me looks forward to more “Joel and I” time. But my children, right now, are simply breathtakingly delicious to us – just as they are. I’d do anything to slow time down.
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Naomi Reply:
May 25th, 2011 at 6:33 pm
I think the thing is that our children are always breathtakingly delicious to us – no matter their age. We grow with them really. Sometimes they grow before we are ready, sometimes they don’t grow fast enough!
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Another fabulous post, Nomie.
You’ve captured how I feel about my 9yo – who has a couple of more years to go before he gets to your son’s age, but already I see the signs of maturity. In fact, I’ve started writing a post about this very thing.
You are so right about the older kids not getting that same attention. I even found that from one child to the next…the baby always took the main focus from others. And boys…boys stop being ‘cute’ very early on.
But my boys will always be cute to me.
xxx
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Naomi Reply:
May 25th, 2011 at 6:36 pm
I love boys. They often get such bad press. But they are divine. (spoken like the mother of a boy
)
The maturing thing is so wonderful to watch… enjoy. Looking forward to your post xxx
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a lucky boy to have such a wonderful mother (parents)
xxx
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