Authenticity, blogging and community.
I’m not sure what to write for this post. Actually, I’m not sure what to write in general. But my fingers are itching for the keyboard and my heart needs to write, so it will out.
I have been reading a lot of posts lately about fitting in, or not. About what kind of blogger people are, or are not. About labels and what they mean. How they define. Who they make you. Mummy blogger, not a mummy blogger, the in crowd, the outsiders.
I am, I must say in all honesty, concerned. There seems to be a tear in the fabric of our blogging world, and I’m not sure how to mend it. For the record, I do not define myself as a Mummy blogger. I blog, I am a Mum, but that’s where it ends. To me the issue is not what we blog about or what kind of blogger we call ourselves. It’s the fact that we are connecting with each other, and sometimes, with people we don’t know at all.
Personally, blogging has become a way for me to practice writing. Practice at what I had always wanted to do, but had not done. For me it’s not about how many followers, hits or comments. Don’t get me wrong, these things are nice. But I don’t get caught up in it. I don’t worry of I don’t get as many emails to write sponsored posts – as a rule I don’t do them, because for me they don’t sit well with where I want to take my blog – but I have no issue with bloggers that do, I even enter their giveaways. If I was sent an email for a product I felt fit, I would write about it though.
Blogging affords me connection, online and personally. It affords me a sense of community, one that is at times difficult to explain to those outside looking in. One that to the newcomer may look free and easy, with the declarations of friendship, complements, hugs and kisses flying around the blogospere and twitterverse. But here’s the thing – like all aspects of life, relationships take time to establish. Take time to deepen. Like all aspects of life not everyone fits together well. Relationships take time to develop, take time to become more than acquaintances, even online.
What you see online in the open is not all that goes on. There is behind the scenes communication too. A slow establishing of trust, a building of relationship. Addresses and phone numbers are not given out easily. There are only a handful of people online who know my children’s names. Even less know what they look like. It’s not personal, it’s my decision, and now that they are older, my children’s decision too. They have a right to their own privacy.
There has been talk online about authenticity, and I have to say from my perspective, being authentic does not mean divulging anything and everything. Nor does it mean that as a blogger I have to feel the same affinity with everyone. I’m realistic, my blog is not for everyone, this does not offend me. Just as I can not claim to like all blogs I come across. I am human, I am not all things to all people, no one is. This is my authenticity. This is my honesty.
I can be supportive, I can tweet, read blogs, but some tweeps, some blogs, some people are going to speak more to me than others, and if I am to be authentic, then I will not apologise for that. I will not be rude, or dismissive, but I will be true to myself. For me that means not spreading myself too thinly. Not overwhelming myself. Taking a step back when I need to. Protecting myself and my family. If this makes me seem standoffish, or like I am excluding people then so be it. It is not on purpose, it is because I have to keep boundaries in place. Take it from someone who’s time at school was not always pleasant, I would never knowingly or purposefully exclude. But communication, relationships, they are a two way street, they take time and I will not allow myself to be overwhelmed or stretched to breaking point. It’s not pleasant for anyone.
So, where am I going with all this? I guess what I’m getting at is that we are all adults, are we not. We can agree to disagree. We can recognise that online, as in our offline worlds, we gravitate towards some people more than others, and that often the reason for this is undefinable. That blogging is more than a label, more than the sum total of followers, awards, sponsors and comments. That being authentic means being true to oneself first, before readers, followers, prospective sponsors. None of us are perfect. None of us.
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Really well said, Naomi. I agree that you can still be authentic while having privacy. Not sharing every.single.thing doesn’t mean you’re lying or not being true to yourself.
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Naomi Reply:
April 4th, 2011 at 10:40 pm
Couldn’t agree more, and I felt it important to write that, because I feel that perhaps post conference, some people felt being authentic meant sharing every single thing in their lives.
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I think this is a brilliant post.
We ARE all different, even though we share a common interest. And really, mummy blogger, not a mummy blogger – I came to realise that the label doesn’t matter, if what I’m doing makes me happy.
Blogging is such a tiny slice of life, that even when everything you say is honest, you’re still leaving details out. Otherwise our posts would be 5000 words long and go nowhere. It’s just how it works.
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Naomi Reply:
April 4th, 2011 at 10:42 pm
Couldn’t agree more with your comment that blogging makes you happy – me happy -it does, and that’s something that I think can get lost in the quest for followers, sponsors, comments.
As for blogging about every detail… no one wants to read that, surely!
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love this.
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Naomi Reply:
April 4th, 2011 at 10:44 pm
Thanks April. Perhaps when you are ready, you could blog again, I miss your writing.
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I have said it via tweet, via email and face to face – you are sanity in a mad world, my friend. xxx
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Naomi Reply:
April 4th, 2011 at 10:44 pm
And you help keep me sane. Thanks for your input in this xxx
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really interesting post. and a worthwhile read. funny, i was just thinking today, that once I get to know someone a little better in this online world, via personal emails and regular blog visits, I suddenly find I start referring to my sons as their real names rather than M1 OR M2, as they appear on my blog.
It is not a planned thing, it is rather sub conscious. But obviously, with some people, i just start to feel comfortable, a rapport is built up, as is a bit of trust. And with some people this happens after many, many contacts, with others it happens faster. And sometimes it just never happens. Just like in the real world
Gill xo
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Naomi Reply:
April 4th, 2011 at 10:46 pm
It is true that it happens faster with some people, and that too is just like the real world. I think that may be something that has been lost sight of on line, or, at least, hasn’t been said honestly enough.
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Great post, Nomie. You’re always very thoughtful and clear with your writing, and that makes for engaging reading.
I was just chatting on the phone to a fellow blogger tonight about comments made about cliques etc at AusBlogCon…we both agreed we didn’t really see it as cliquey at all, just people connecting, and certainly I can’t imagine that *anyone* would purposefully have chosen to exclude people. I guess we just gravitate towards diff personalities etc, as we would IRL. Obviously, I was ecstatic to catch up with you and Megan again, and really – there just wasn’t a lot of time during the day to chat with people. There are so many other bloggers I would have LOVED to have sat down and had a lengthy chin wag with, if only we’d had more time. Besides…I was busy on the dance floor, as you know.
Just to add to this…something I’ve seen written a few times recently that I’m not particularly fond of, is the term ‘tribe’. Even in a (fabulous) e document on blogging recently it was noted in there that bloggers should find their tribe.
I understand the purpose of the sentiment behind the word, but to me, it sounds…exclusive. As though people are saying, “These people are MY people.” I don’t know. It just doesn’t sit well with me, and I wouldn’t use the term myself. I would feel as though I was purposely excluding people if I used it. (Although I know that’s definitely not the intention of most people who do use the term.)
Then, I’m not a fan of labels for the most part in any form. I don’t like models being referred to as ‘plus-size’ for example. Why can’t they just be ‘models’? And why do we need to label bloggers? It doesn’t worry me in the slightest being referred to as a ‘mummy blogger’ – hell, I have ‘mummy’ in my title! – but I don’t sit and ponder my ‘mummy blogger’ title. I have pondered the title of my blog at times though, seeing I don’t *always* write about parenting…but there you go. Cest la vie.
Sorry. Seem to be writing essays in blog comments tonight.
xxx
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Naomi Reply:
April 4th, 2011 at 10:51 pm
You know Jodie, I had not thought of it in that way, but I can see how the word tribe could be taken to mean that and I will take that onboard.
I have used the word in relation to the blog con myself, but for me it was in a general sense. Being in a room full of people who loved to blog, tweet and thought nothing of tweeting during dinner made a lot of sense to me, and I did feel comfortable and part of a tribe in a general sense. I certainly didn’t meant it make it sound exclusive, and hope no one thought I did.
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Thank you for this piece of writing… Because it is from you, your essence. No-one but Naomi could write that … And for you,(i suggest) as for me, it is the ability to express ourselves in writing which is its own satisfaction.
You began with the words “itching for the keyboard” ….I know that feeling too.
My reflections now from recent meetings with many people who also blog are different from my initial ones. I realize that I “thought” people who I had “met” on-line would be able to pick up a conversation with me from knowledge gleaned over months of on-line banter.
It has taken me till just now to realize why I blog… It’s personal, it’s of interest to me, it’s self-expression, it’s creative …and I love the joy of the process as much as the product.
So, I blog for me. If others come to read & comment, I like that too. But I like even more that
I am not a blogger who “fits” a category. But I enjoy the friendship & support I see through the blogging community as a plus for me now I am socially isolated since retirement due to full time care of my ill spouse.
Naomi, your thoughtfulness along with your feistyness are amazing & complementary qualities in a sensitive & nurturing person. Thank you for sharing your wisdom through words.
Denyse xx
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Naomi Reply:
April 4th, 2011 at 10:53 pm
I think for some bloggers the sense of connection is very important. For me it was certainly a surprise, and not something I set out to find.
As for calling me thoughtful and feisty in one sentence… I like it!
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Great post! I think authenticity is all about the substance and detail of your life, but not your ‘personal details’.
In some senses I am the opposite of a Mummy blogger being male and single (although I realise not all Mummy bloggers are married). My life is obviously quite different in its everyday details. However, I do read several Mummy bloggers usually because their writing is moving, funny or strong. And yes, the detail and authenticity of a life nothing like my own is essentially interesting to me.
My own blogging tends to be about pop culture and I occasionally talk about my life. So most of my blog writing is about things one step removed from my deepest feelings. This is partly because I don’t wish to blog about what I feel and partly because I would like to put these things in a fictional form. Therefore I am using blogging differently from anyone who wants to connect with a wider community and explore shared life experiences.
In one sense then, my blogging could be described as not as authentic because I don’t use my it as a forum for coming to grips with day to day life – I am not sharing that struggle or journey. I believe for me blogging about popular culture serves as a place I can get away from my everyday thoughts. I believe in what I write, so in that sense it has authenticity.
As an interesting sidelight, I went from using a pseudonym to my actual name because I wanted to make sure that whatever I wrote, I would have to claim as my view. Before I was hiding behind my pseudonym, to some extent when I blogged or tweeted. That is not a belief I apply to others. My writing only affects me. I completely agree that if you have a family you are duty bound to protect them and yourself with anonymity.
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Naomi Reply:
April 5th, 2011 at 8:15 am
I think your point about how we describe our blogs, and the authenticity of them is interesting – I’d say your blog is just as authentic as anyones, it’s still your thoughts and your words about pop culture. To me that is authentic.
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I think that we have to admit that there are certain people who we will have more of a connection with than others and that’s ok, in fact that’s great and amazing. It’s a horrible cliche but if everyone is special, then no one is. And cliques are a part of life. They are not necessarily the mean-spirited, exclusionary groups that come to mind when you think of the word ‘clique’ but they are there. And they are a completely natural part of being human. You only have to look at a few studies on group norms to know that people are hard-wired to belong to a group of some kind.
Sometimes, from the outside a clique can look all but impenetrable, even though from the inside it doesn’t even look like a clique. And that can be confronting. But it doesn’t look impenetrable because people are closed off, rude or arrogant. It appears that way because there is so much shared history that other people just cannot touch. It’s pretty wonderful if you think about it.
So you won’t be included in everyone’s group, but they won’t be included in yours either. And if you have a connection with someone you’ll find that those things that look like walls don’t amount to much anyway.
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Naomi Reply:
April 5th, 2011 at 8:16 am
I love this comment, so, so true, couldn’t agree more. What a great way to look at it.
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Thanks for that I am a newbie blogger and I find your post refreshing and so honest.
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Naomi Reply:
April 5th, 2011 at 8:17 am
Thank you. At least it didn’t scare you off!
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Lovely post, N. I’ve been meaning to write something similar (just like I’ve seen a few people doing!) but haven’t gathered together the head space. I think the conference has brought a lot of these issues to a head – which is inevitable. Perhaps it’s something to do with the maturation of the blogging community, a Rite of Passage, so to speak.
I can only speak for myself, and I feel somewhat… perplexed by the whole thing. I suppose it’s because of my personality or because I write that I feel comfortable divulging what I do. In a sense I think similarly to what Veronica said, if we wrote everything as it was every post would be long! And I agree with what you say – you have to stay true to yourself 100% absolutely.
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Naomi Reply:
April 5th, 2011 at 8:20 am
Yes, I think you are right K, that it is in a way a maturation of the community. There has been a shift, and I’m coming to think that it is not perhaps a bad thing. In my way of thinking staying still is not good, change and moving forward are much better… if not at times a little difficult.
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Kirrily Reply:
April 5th, 2011 at 9:05 am
Yes! Wholeheartedly agree with this.
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I didn’t really like the way that term – ‘authentic’ – was thrown around at the conference. Something about the way it was used didn’t sit well with me, as though there was this expectation that everyone ‘tells all’. As you know, I’m pretty open on my blog, but there are things I won’t talk about. Things that I don’t feel comfortable saying, things that might hurt others – often these are things I’ll write because that’s therapeutic to me, but I won’t blog them. And my boundaries are changing as more people read and will change more as A grows up.
I blog for the same reason as you – to write. And I was saying to Suz yesterday that the friendships and connections I’ve formed have been such a surprise, and a huge bonus that I really value.
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Naomi Reply:
April 5th, 2011 at 8:24 am
Yes, the word authentic was used a lot at the conference, and I think the inference that it meant tell all really threw people. I certainly do not think it means no boundaries and divulging all, actually I think there is real skill in not divulging all.
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I think it is in some people’s interests to push the labels… but for many individuals it isn’t.
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Naomi Reply:
April 5th, 2011 at 8:25 am
Agreed. And I have no issue with those who do, as long as they are aware of it, and are purposeful in this.
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Wonderful post. So refreshingly honest and true.
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Naomi Reply:
April 5th, 2011 at 8:25 am
Thank you.
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Having not attended the conference, I can’t comment on the feeling that was generated amongst the group. What I can say for myself is the more I start to find my groove, the more I search and explore other blogs. There is so much out there, and I read, comment and write when I feel a connection. Just as I explore connections with people in real life. x
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Naomi Reply:
April 5th, 2011 at 8:27 am
So true Shelly. And just like life, it takes time and some hard work, but the rewards are worth it!
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Fantastic post Nomie. The sense of community I found in blogging was totally unexpected and totally wonderful. As someone who is stuck at home thanks to illness the world can seem rather small and lonely. Yet blogging, Twitter, FB and the like have opened up a whole new world of connection and community that I was craving. Like you, I have found certain people that I connect with more than others, and there are perhaps a handful that I have had more personal contact with. And perhaps another handful that I have thought about taking that next step of contact with. But it’s a slow process, like all friendships, and depends on finding that connection and then building trust. I go by the ‘would I want to sit and have a coffee/or wine with them’ philosophy. It doesn’t mean I don’t value every comment or reader but there are simply some people you connect with more and around different issues.
Authenticity is thrown around a lot these days, but I don’t think that means sharing every detail of your personal life. Authenticity for me is in the voice of the writer. The topic is in many ways irrelevant. It’s that gut feeling you get when reading that someone is giving a bit of themselves, an honesty in the writing. I think it’s why my blog list is so varied. Good writing is good writing regardless of topic. And just like some days you need a laugh, some days you need to wrap yourself in big warm hug, certain blogs can do that for you. I still have no idea what type of blogger I am. Given that my readership includes, mums, teachers, a trainee nun, a dominatrix and a guy who creates male sex toys, I’m thinking that labels are irrelevant. I write what feels right on the day and frequently push ‘post’ without fully thinking what I am putting out there. They obviously find something that clicks with them, just like I have with other bloggers. Connections can be found in the most unexpected places, and come in all shapes and sizes.
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Naomi Reply:
April 5th, 2011 at 8:29 am
The voice of the writer… I love that, and you’re spot on, that is authenticity.
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Great post, Naomi. I found myself nodding while reading
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Naomi Reply:
April 5th, 2011 at 8:29 am
Thanks Tina x
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I too have been tempted to write a post about this topic, but decided not to, because so much has already been said. I too am noticing something happening to the blogging community, perhaps it is simply a sense of self-aweareness, who are we as a group? Because there is a tendency to define us as a group, rather than to look at each individual as unique.
While I’ve been blogging for over two years, I have not been part of the blogging community in Australia for very long. I’ve only recently began engaging with fellow bloggers on Twitter and FB and became aware of the relationships between individuals. I guess, I feel jealous, because I find it so hard to connect with people in real life and it seems that the Twitterverse is no different. I still feel like I’m on the outside looking in.
AusBlogCon felt the same. Everyone who already “knew” each other gravitated towards each other, while I, for the most part felt unable to break into those groups, even just to say hello. To give myself credit, I did try and did meet most of the people I wanted to meet. I guess you have start somewhere. Perhaps at the next meet up or conference I will feel more at ease and hopefully make some friends.
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Naomi Reply:
April 4th, 2011 at 11:02 pm
I really like your comment here about the tendency to define bloggers as a group, not as individuals. It’s a really good point.
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This was a great post Naomi. Online relationships are just like real ones, there are people you connect with immediately and some are only ever going to be fond aquaintances.
I love blogging and I love connecting with others, but when I started up my blog, I did it just for me. I was surprised to find out that people actually read my blog. That turned out to be an added bonus!
I also agree that we don’t have to share everything to be authentic, and as Phil said, it is important to protect our families, and I do this through some degree of anonymity.
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Naomi Reply:
April 5th, 2011 at 8:32 am
Yes, the connections that have been made are such a bonus, and for me, so unexpected!
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Wow.. Dorothy, I feel the same way too! Most often than not, I squirm whenever someone refers me as ‘mommy blogger’ . I don’t do that.I’m a terrible blogger. I never keep up with other blogs, never really reply any comments. Just completely hopeless.
When it comes to connecting with other ppl, it’s very hard for me to do it, because I don’t really have that honesty displayed in my blog..I write in haste most of the time.
But I do like your post, Naomi, it’s so true. I’ve connected to many ppl in my home country through blogging, and when I moved here, it’s hard for me to connect here, because I couldn’t find a middle ground. I’m still feeling my way around…. hmmm….
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Naomi Reply:
April 5th, 2011 at 9:18 am
It does take time to find your feet in blogging land. It takes time to find those connections, time and work really.
When people ask me about twitter I say it’s great, but you have to put time and effort in to making connections at first if you want people to connect back with you. It can be difficult to do, but also worth it in the long run.
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You have a gift of being able to tell it just right!
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Naomi Reply:
April 5th, 2011 at 9:18 am
Thanks Thea.
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I don’t know what more I can add. All the comments are so valid. Your post, once again, states it so plainly it’s as if “D’uh! Why didn’t I see it like that before?!” You have a way of plucking just the right words (and the right amount…. something I struggle with…..an over-abundance of quantifying, clarifying words….. see? Case in point, right there) and making them universal.
This topic still leaves me confused. I don’t understand why bloggers who perhaps haven’t been immersing themselves so much in different forms of available social media can’t grasp the concept that, those who have were going to be more familiar. I went in to the AusBlogCon feeling VERY much an outsider. I really felt like I might pee my pants with self-conscious fear. Of meeting anybody, even my small loyal group of consistent readers. But I came away with a whole new very positive view of this community I didn’t even realise I had been a part of all along.
I think sometimes the bloggers behind the blogs might be selling themselves short?? Could this be the case? And they therefore went into it feeling inferior, undeservedly so? And as for being “authentic”… well, there is nothing scarier than being “authentic” in person, is there! Then you really know what you’re made of. Everybody who went deserves applause. So many of us are shy, retiring types. It’s just a shame that there is not only an overwhelming desire at the moment to “label” the community that already kind of had a label. Or maybe I’m totally missing some other point?
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Naomi Reply:
April 5th, 2011 at 9:24 am
Great comment Kirrily. On a personal note, the way we met at the conference actually made me more at ease over all…. all that worry about first impressions went out the window after that!
What you say is true, those who had connection had been using various forms of social media to stay in contact with others before the conference. And like I commented above, using social media takes time and effort.
Great comment.
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Kirrily Reply:
April 5th, 2011 at 11:17 am
Hello, just back again to qualify something I have said (in case it is misinterpreted!):
I wrote
“I don’t understand why bloggers who perhaps haven’t been immersing themselves so much in different forms of available social media can’t grasp the concept that, those who have were going to be more familiar.”
And I was also talking very much about myself and my own predicament here! Before the conference, I identified that the biggest feelings of rejection (for me) came from Twitter. Rather, my apparent lack of being able to join in any conversations or get myself heard or noticed. The conference opened more doors in this regard – not the opposite – and I am finding that now, although my time on Twitter is no more than it ever was, I am finding more people are replying to me. I put this down to, mostly, just getting over myself and my own insecurities of not being noticed. Of not worrying so much or keeping tabs of who wasn’t replying. I still get ignored. A lot! But now I simply don’t try so hard to keep in touch/up to date with what certain ‘tweeters’ are saying or doing.
I hope this makes sense? Sorry for hijacking your comments N! Just felt I needed to clarify myself before I was taken the wrong way and looking all elitist… am actually a teeny tiny fish in an overwhelmingly big pond and just trying to keep my head above water too. (which isn’t so healthy for a fish… hrmm)
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I rarely feel like I really fit in, whether it be in real life, career, or online. Half the time, it’s just my perception, but the other half it’s real. But does it really matter? I don’t know.
I think there’s a part of all of us that wants to be part of the cool club, but it’s so subjective.
These days, I don’t think it really matters as long as I can support and feel supported. And there are so many wonderful peeps to do just that.
xo
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I really enjoyed this post, and I think you hit the nail on the head lovely!
x
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Hi Naomi,
As a complete newbie myself – I’ve only been live for 2 months – I have been quite surprised by the way in which the blogging community can label itself, and how the wider community (media in particular) wants to use the ‘mummy blogger’ label.
I must say though, I have found this community to be so welcoming and supportive. Thanks!
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Love this post. Gosh I love the way you write, it makes me very envious! It really perplexes me the way there has to be labels. I am a mummy blogger simply because I am a mum that blogs. End of story. It concerned me that people though there were cliques at the conference. It is just human nature that some people gravitate each other and not others.
I felt that sense of belonging in the whole room like you, but I also understand that not everyone I met is going to like me, just as I know not everyone I met I will like. I just hope that those I do like also feel the same way as me, that is always a bonus.
Thanks for writing this. xx
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What a gorgeous post Naomi. I’ve been itching to write about his too but it doesn’t really fit into how I’ve set up my blog now…funny how a blog can take a life of its own. I need to have a Kelly blog to I think, where I can be truly random. But really, you’ve said everyting I wanted to say…(sigh) so thanks.
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I really enjoyed reading this post. Very thought-provoking as well. Thank you
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Nice post. I did write a post on Aussie Mummy Bloggers about fitting in. I didn’t actually go to the ABC and I put that down to my own neurosis I suppose.
Belonging to an online community takes time and I won’t say it’s hard work but it does require a concerted effort. Just like relationships IRL.
I am a mummy blogger, primarily. But I don’t write about toilet training. I’d like to think of myself as more of a sociologist, philosopher, historian; mainly I’m writing all this stuff down so if my kids ever say “how was it in your day?” I can present them with my thousands of thoughts.
As I said, I wasn’t at the conference but I would imagine that being authentic is being truthful in what you are saying. I don’t need to now everything about you, or even your children’s names but I would expect to read something that is true to you. I am reading about you after all. Does that make sense?
Love & stuff
Mrs M
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[...] Authenticity, blogging and community [...]
I’ve just found this post after reading a few others on your blog (which I really enjoy too, btw. My kids are older so I relate to a lot of what you write about here).
I’ve been posting my thoughts into cyber space since 2007 on various different communities and have had my blog since 2010, but only started posting more regularly since Nov 2011. I’m very much a little fish in the blogging world but I’m reaching out and reading, commenting and interacting where I can.
I write about things that are of interest to me, including stories about my family, but I don’t put EVERYTHING online for all to see. My kids are at an age where they are keen for their privacy so I choose not to name them. I don’t see that I am any less ‘authentic’ because of that.
Relationships online are like relationships in real life – you can’t – and don’t – get on with everyone. Friendships take time and effort and, as such, should be valued. I agree wholeheartedly with your sentiment that blogging authentically should be about being true to ourselves, first and foremost. The rest will be what it will be.
I just want to write. For me personally, that’s what I keep coming back for.
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Great post; interesting responses too. Why do I blog, carefully using pseudonyms to protect my family? Because I have to write anyway so might as well craft it a bit more carefully & put it out there. Plus I have a sense of obligation to my 3 or so regular readers!
Sponsors? I wish. I want an all expenses paid trip to Paris – or Ballarat would do – to attend a blogging conference & drop the occasional product endorsement. Just putting it out there.
Glad to have found your blog through that ‘dodgy’ Age article.
Cheers.
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Naomi Reply:
August 19th, 2012 at 10:53 am
I think the reason I blog has changed over time, but I am still very protective of my children, husband and other family members. I have an obligation to write my stories and not theirs. Something I wish that article had actually said!
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